Why I hate the 'talking stage'

A manifesto: why the talking stage needs to get in the bin, and how as a society we can get there.

The talking stage: the infamous period of sporadic texting (‘talking’) that occurs between meeting and a first date. The name is misleading, because it in fact involves anything other than literal talking. It usually manifests in mutual liking of instagram stories, messaging across various platforms, being sent the occasional instagram reel—a purgatory of sorts, where judgement on whether to pursue a relationship delayed until a real-life encounter (which may or may not arrive).

Having been single for three years and enduring countless talking-stages, I have reached the conclusion that they are utterly pointless. Yet they remain a necessity of modern dating.

Why?

Perhaps because it feeds our unhealthy addiction as a society to social media.

Perhaps because the little notification on your phone lights up the dopamine centre in your brain.

As someone who likes to romanticise absolutely everything, this doesn’t sit well with me. How can you romanticise a little green message on your phone screen? Yet that same message still somehow possess the ability to fill one with a sense of complete glee. We’ve all seen it. The barely concealed smile that crosses someone's face as they look down at their phone. The excitement on a friend’s face when they tell you they’re currently ‘talking’ to someone.

In some ways, the letters on the screen feel safe, comfortable. No one is going to reject you for slightly stale text chat, or at least if they do, you can tell yourself, ‘I’m better in person anyway’. The fear of rejection is saved for the real-life encounter, after which Whatsapp will cease to be a source of excitement and become a medium for the message of judgement. We all know the feeling after a date of waiting for the text that will signal ultimately if they want to see you again or not. If they do want to see you again, you’ll begin the cycle again, only the stakes are now raised.

During my three-year period of single-ness, I have experienced talking stages of varying degrees of intensity and time-spans, driven by a range of motivations from genuine romantic interest, to a desire for attention.

From my experience, talking stages can be categorised into two distinct types:

Type 1: Text intensely with quick replies in short spurts. Exciting, adrenaline fuelled. On a day-to-day basis you won’t hear from them, but these occasional conversations which will sometimes last several hours keep the flame burning. You might also receive random instagram reels from this person in between conversations, to which you will react but not reply.

Type 2: Ongoing conversation that occurs with multiple hour gaps between text messages but continues for an indefinite period of time, often months. Because of it’s drawn out nature, one text conversation could multiple into four occurring simultaneously where you have to reply to each thread because to drop any of them would seem rude (but maybe that’s just my people-pleasing tendencies).

While I often find myself irresistibly pulled into a type 2 talking stage, type 1, in my opinion is infinitely superior. Neither is ideal.

Perhaps it is time for an alternative approach…

I once dated a guy who was about to leave the country. Although our time together was short-lived, our relationship felt intensely romantic. We never ‘broke up’ so-to-speak because we were never really together, but we’d spoken about meeting when he came back home to visit. I was surprised that after he left, he never texted me once. Out of sight, out of mind. I also resolved initially not to text, but the temptation eventually got to me. And so I sent him the classic, ‘How are you? How are things? x’.

My text went unanswered for six months. SIX MONTHS.

Then one day, I got a reply, ‘Yeah good thanks, I just went to the theme park you’d recommended!’. There was a level of absurdity in the complete lack of acknowledgement of the time-span that lay between my message and his reply. Our online conversation ended there.

While many would condemn his lack of communication, I maintain a certain level of respect for anyone who outright refuses to engage in any sort of talking stage. In this situation, I felt that my time was respected. When we saw each other several months later, we were able to pick up from where we left off, without expectation.

There have been other situations, where I’ve regretted the time spent in talking stages, or texting relationships that fail to materialise in real-life, when the person on the other end of the phone realises that this might involve taking the effort to meet up in person, and develop a relationship beyond letters on a screen.

I often wonder what the equivalent of a talking stage would have been in the days before smart phones. Letters? Talking—actually talking—on the landline phone? I recently read the book One Day by David Nicholls, and it occurred to me that the entire relationship between Emma and Dexter could be viewed as one very protracted talking stage. In any case, without screens, the whole thing is infinitely more romantic.

So, take this as your sign not to text them.* If you insist on communicating with them, write a letter or pick up the phone (I will admit I am yet to try this). You will thank yourself in the long run.

*With the one exception of asking to meet up in person, in which case, you go girl!!